Happier Days

We are seeing a lot more of this nowadays...


...and more of this...


...and plenty of this...


...but my favorite is this!!

Night and Day

It's been one week since I let it all out and confessed my feelings, or lack thereof, about Andrik and our new life as a family of four. I honestly had no idea so many people had been through what I was going through and I appreciate all the words of encouragement and support. Who knew just saying the words out loud would be so therapeutic?

I have spent the past week focusing on the positives and reminding myself to dislike the behaviors and not the child. I've given even more cuddles, high fives, and kisses this past week and made sure to carry Andrik as much as humanly possible to promote closeness. It has helped a little but it still felt forced and something I had to mentally remind myself to do on an hour by hour, sometimes minute by minute basis. Andrik's nap times have not improved, with some days seeing only a ten minute nap but I kept up my walking routine and continued to look at it as a positive.

I mentioned a couple weeks ago that we had Andrik circumcised in hopes of alleviating the recurring UTI's he had been experiencing while in the baby home. He had the surgery done on his second birthday, I know, I know, and the surgeon used the same Plastibell procedure that Artem had. Artem's procedure was textbook perfect and in keeping with the "night and day" differences between the boys, Andrik's healing process didn't go as well as we hoped. The Plastibell ring is supposed to fall off on it's on after a week to ten days and Andrik's had not fallen off yet. I noticed Friday morning that it looked like the ring on the Plastibell had slipped out of position and the area was becoming infected. I called the doctor's office and they got him in immediately and manually cut the ring off and instructed me to soak him in the tub three times a day and treat the area with a topical antibiotic.

Incidentally, Friday was my 40th birthday and I really hadn't planned to celebrate the milestone by watching the doctor cut my son's circumcision ring off but perhaps that was fair play since we did have Andrik circumcised on his 2nd birthday. Touche' my son, touche'!

I thought maybe his recent behavior decline wasn't caused by the honeymoon phase being over and reality setting in, but maybe it was caused by discomfort and pain from the ring slipping. But Friday and Saturday didn't see any improvement with Andrik's behavior or naps. I think one of those days he took a twenty minute nap but was still practically falling asleep at the dinner table that afternoon. His soaks in the tub were just twenty minutes of him crying and refusing to play with any toys and me reminding myself it's the behavior I hate, not the child.

Today we returned to the doctor's office for a follow up and she gave him a clean bill of health and said he's on the road to recovery and if I didn't know any better I would swear Andrik took that as the green light to finally turn on the charm and ditch this bad boy persona he's been carrying out. After the doctor's appointment I took the boys to the pumpkin patch and had a fantastic time. We had a good lunch and Andrik settled down for a...drum roll please...one hour and forty minute nap!!! Can I get a hallelujah?? And he woke up in the BEST mood! I knew his afternoon meltdowns were heavily caused by his lack of sleep. I took the boys outside for the afternoon and we played together and had so much fun. After dinner the boys were playing together really well but Artem accidentally hit his head on Andrik's head and came running to me crying. I put Artem on my lap and rubbed his back and gave him kisses and Andrik asked to get on my lap too. I pulled him up and he immediately started rubbing Artem's arm trying to console him. It was the sweetest thing! Andrik was truly trying to make Artem feel better. After a bath that saw Andrik laughing and playing with his tub toys, I got him dressed for bed and told him we needed to go say goodnight to Artem. He walked into the family room, gave Artem a kiss, told him "ni-ni" (night night) and then I heard, "ove ew" (love you)!! It was awesome!!

I can't believe what a huge night and day difference today has been for Andrik compared to the past several weeks. I'll take whatever I can get and mark this as a huge step forward for us! Artem has PreK tomorrow so I'm hoping to take Andrik to the library story time for some one-on-one time and keep working on the bonding process between the two of us. I feel so much better after today and feel like such a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. God knew I needed this day and it came at just the right time!

Open and Honest

I need to talk about something that is very hard to disclose and might strike a nerve with someone, but nonetheless, I feel like it has to be brought out in the open.

I don't know how to say this nicely and without just blurting it out, but I'm having trouble attaching and loving Andrik. He is attaching to me and bonding with me, but I don't love him and I hate that I even have to say those words.

Andrik is a much more difficult child than Artem. When we told Artem, "That's not for Artem" he listened pretty much the first time. We never had to child proof our house for Artem. He was a very obedient, easy-going child. But Andrik challenges us and pushes our buttons. If we say it's not for him to touch, he'll look straight at us and put one finger on it and when I finally lead him away from the offending item, the mother of all tantrums ensues. His tantrums have returned and with a vengeance. He gets very angry, kicks his feet, bangs his head on the wall or floor, pulls his hair, bites his arms and screams. I don't acknowledge his tantrums but now he's started to lay on my feet and pitch his fits.

The point is, Andrik is a difficult child who wakes up crying and spends the majority of his day crying. Occasionally I get a break and he has an hour or so when he's happy, but most of my day is spent trying to get him to be happy and feeling like I need to be standing on my head juggling puppies with my feet to keep him from crying. And with my day feeling like a continuous battle field, I have yet to find a lot of happiness in parenting this child.

The minute the orphanage director put Artem into my arms, I would have walked through fire for him but if someone were to call me tomorrow and tell me that we forgot to cross a "t" and dot an "i" and Andrik needs to return to Russia, I would almost feel a sense of relief. Why? How can I love Artem so much but fail to have a mother's love for Andrik? I worried so much before bringing Andrik home that I wouldn't be able to love another child like I love Artem but everyone assured me that a mother's heart only divides and has enough room to love all of her children, but why hasn't my heart divided yet?

Up until this point, I hadn't told anyone my feelings about Andrik including Randy. People would come up to me and see Andrik for the first time and tell me how adorable he is and congratulate us and the first thing I would do is change the subject away from Andrik and ask them how they are doing. How could I listen to them go on about his beautiful blue eyes and dimples when I didn't even like him myself?

My feelings for him were quickly turning to resentment and I hated the fact that my life had changed so much merely by his presence. I spend my days listening to him cry, I watch him throw tantrums in the middle of the living room floor, I repeatedly put him back in his bed at nap time because he has suddenly stopped napping but falls asleep on the playroom floor by 4:00 pm because he's not napping, I see negative behaviors coming from Artem that we've never had to deal with before...why did we do this all again? Wasn't adding a second child supposed to add more love to our family? Then why am I so miserable and how do I get past this guilt I feel for not loving this child that has turned my life upside down? And how bad is God going to punish me for even letting these thoughts enter my mind? What have I become when I can't even look at myself in the mirror, literally, and the thought of waking Andrik in the morning to get him up for the day makes me sick to my stomach with nerves because I know he's going to wake up crying and it will continue for several hours?

I've kept all of this to myself and I've put on a good game face to try to paint a happy picture of adoption. What's that saying, "Fake it until you believe it"? Well I've been faking it, and faking it so hard that it almost turns my stomach to be so sticky, sugary, happy-happy all day long. And when my sister called the other night and made a comment about Andrik, I couldn't keep the secret inside any longer and I cried and confessed my feelings, or lack thereof, and prayed that she wouldn't judge me and see me as the horrible person that I was feeling myself to be. Later that night when Randy called, I immediately started crying and a month's worth of pent up feelings poured out all at once and I sobbed into the phone that I think we need to find a new family for Andrik, he deserves a mother that loves him, and told him I wanted my old life back again.

Luckily for me, I had a lunch date planned for the next day with my friend and fellow adoptive mom, Jodi. I will tell you, never underestimate the power of making a friend online. Jodi started out "knowing" me by reading my blog until she discovered we lived in the same town and our friendship has now progressed to me telling Randy in between sobs, "I just need to talk to Jodi tomorrow at lunch, she'll understand." I was right, not only did she understand, but she gave me some good recommendations and assured me that what I was feeling was completely normal. Thank goodness for sisters and girlfriends!

And thank goodness for good agencies that listen, give resources, and let me know that this is a very, very common feeling in women especially in second adoptions and even more so in second adoptions that had a "perfect" child as a first adoption. I couldn't believe that the feelings I am dealing with are normal and more wide spread than people admit to. I have wracked myself with guilt trying to understand how I could love one child so much but not bond with our second child. I was sure we had made a huge mistake by adopting again but our agency promised me the feelings will come and I just need to continue to "fake it" and put on my happy face until the feelings start to emerge.

Yesterday I decided to keep thinking positive thoughts. Kind of like Dory in "Finding Nemo", "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." and I have to say it's making a little bit of a difference. I've been praying; praying like crazy actually, but praying, "Please God, make Andrik nap more than 10 minutes" and yesterday he napped for forty minutes but then woke up crying. But instead of being upset that he only napped for forty minutes and that my prayer wasn't answered like I asked, I decided to put him in the buggy and go for a walk. One of the things that has bothered me so much is that I've had to forfeit my daily walks with Bella, who now has so much pent up energy that she's chewing things around the house, let alone the fact that my jeans are fitting a little more snug since we've been home. And without sounding cheesy, it was almost like God was saying, "He didn't sleep, but why not make lemonade out of these lemons and go for a walk?" And walk we did for forty five minutes, and guess who dozed off while I was getting some exercise? What a relief!!

I still have my moments when I get really frustrated with Andrik and wish he could just be happy and stop crying; his ten minute nap today didn't help matters, but I'm sticking to the advice to keep faking it and focus on the positives and I noticed tonight when we were sitting together in the rocking chair watching the nightly news that I felt a little hand with jagged fingernails begin to stroke my arm and then felt that same hand squeeze behind my back and the chair and felt him rubbing my back like I've done to him since the day we picked him up. I also think I felt a little piece of my heart start to soften and hopefully soon I'll be able to say with 100% certainty, "I love Andrik".

You Are Going To Want One

My friend Stephanie gave me the sweetest gift this week and you are totally going to want one! I have never seen anything like it before and every time I see it, it makes me smile.

It's a hand painted picture on canvas and she had it custom done to represent our two boys.

Right down to Artem's brown hair and brown eyes and Andrik's blonde hair and blue eyes. Adorable!! Check out Oh How Cute Kids to see about ordering your own picture.

The back is stretched over a frame and has a metal grommet to hang the picture.


And speaking of my little picture perfect lad, he's become quite the dancer in the past few days, although he suffers terribly from White Boy syndrome. Every time he hears music he puts his hands in the air and waves them around. Unfortunately the bottom half isn't as pretty as the top since he looks like he has Frankenstein straight legs while he groves. And it makes my little heart warm to see him jamming to a classic 80's hair band, Whitesnake. Rock on!

This gorgeous Fall weather we are having was the perfect backdrop for a play date at the park yesterday. Andrik is fearless on the playground and had no problems keeping up with the big kids. Artem is so reserved when he goes into a new situation but his little brother jumps in with both feet, or in this case, headfirst.

Boo!


I know, I know, you can say it, adorable!

Happy Birthday Andrik!

Today was Andrik's second birthday and despite starting the day with having his boy bits nipped and tucked, he had a great day. His surgery went well and we were in and out of the hospital in two and a half hours. His recovery today has been very easy and we hope this surgery will end the chronic UTI's he's had to deal with.



Yesterday Andrik helped decorate his birthday cupcakes. He took his frosting job very seriously...



...but didn't do so well when I told him there weren't anymore cupcakes to decorate.

After decorating the cupcakes it was dinner time and I told Artem to go wash his hands and had intended to wash Andrik's hands myself after Artem was finished. But before I could get to the bathroom I heard some step stools banging around, heard some grunting, and walked in to find Artem helping his little brother clean his hands for dinner. I was so proud of Artem for helping without being asked.


But today was for cupcakes and presents and I had Andrik ready for battle sans shirt and covered in a rubber bib ready to see him devour his treats.

But he didn't really "devour" the cupcakes like I thought he would. He was wayyy to gentle.

Come on now, that's the best you can do??

Show that cupcake who's boss!

There you go...

Take that chocolaty, sugar goodness!

And that!

You've got it now!

Oh yea, now you're looking better!

That's the way you eat a cupcake!

After cupcakes, it was time for presents and Andrik clearly couldn't be bothered with wrapping paper.

I love Artem's reaction to seeing the present despite the fact that he was with Randy when the gift was purchased.

Andrik loved his new farm and the boys played so well together with it and that made mommy very, very happy.

Happy Birthday little buddy, we love you!

Updates...finally

Things are getting better around here a little at a time. Andrik still likes to pitch a good fit or two just to keep us on our toes, but the full blown on the floor kicking and screaming meltdowns are starting to ease up. He still doesn't like to be told "no" but at least he walks into the other room now to do his screaming. His current drama spot is Randy's recliner. He cries as he's walking over, throws himself onto the seat of the recliner, slams his hands down and buries his face in the seat and cries; but he saves just enough energy to look up at us every few minutes to see if we are still paying attention.

Dinner time is 99% peaceful and normal. He isn't slapping food away and refusing to try the foods we serve. He eats everything we put in front of him and has started accepting us telling him that dinner is over. In the beginning he would scream and meltdown when we took him away from the food, even with his stomach and sides bulging from the amount he had consumed, but now we show him the empty bowl or empty yogurt cup and he seems to understand. We still let him keep a Cheerio filled snack cup with him all day so he knows food is always available.

The boy still sleeps solid through the night. God has blessed me with two great sleepers. But Andrik is still sleeping 13-14 hours a night which sounds like a blessing but Randy has been taking Artem to and from school for me so Andrik can sleep in and get a long nap. Next week Randy returns to work so Andrik won't be able to sleep in until 9:00 a.m. on Tues, Wed, and Thursday and will also have short naps on those days since I have to get Artem from PreK at 2:15. We may pay dearly in the afternoons on those days.

Andrik saw his pediatrician last week and had lots of blood work done and was also tested for intestinal parasites. The parasite tests came back negative and all his blood work was normal except for his thyroid level. It was slightly elevated and the doctor said he wasn't really concerned since everything else came back completely normal. Today we met with a pediatric urologist. Stop reading if you don't want to hear talk of circumcision. Many times Russian orphan's medical files are filled with exaggerated or non-existent medical problems to make them eligible for international adoption. We saw that Andrik had "recurring UTI's" on his medical report and figured that was one of the fluff pieces on his report. Male orphans are not typically circumcised when they are in the baby home and this was the case for both Artem and Andrik. We had Artem circumcised when he came home from Russia and the procedure the doctor performed was very quick and almost 100% pain free for Artem. It went really well and we planned on having Andrik circumcised using the same procedure after he had been home awhile. The first night we had him in Moscow we gave him a bath and when we went to clean down there, we couldn't get the skin to retract. We didn't want to hurt him and let it go to try again the next day with no luck. After a few days of not being able to get the skin to retract we started putting two and two together and figured out that his recurring UTI's were probably caused because he couldn't get cleaned. Andrik had to see Dr. Boris for his US Embassy medical before we could leave Moscow and we told Dr. Boris about the problem. He explained that the boys aren't typically cleaned the right way and we were just going to have to put a little muscle behind it and get it opened up. Neither Randy nor I were comfortable with doing that but before we could say, "Ouch", Dr. Boris had the skin pulled back and Andrik let out a good scream. Poor boy is practically "fused" together because things haven't been cared for properly for two years. So back to today, his urologist labels him with "congenital phimosis" and wants to get him in ASAP to get this taken care of and her next surgical opening is Monday, which happens to be Andrik's 2nd birthday. So the poor boy is getting circumcised on his birthday. That ought to be something good he can hold over our heads down the road.

Back to less painful news, Andrik is picking up on English really fast! He still does great with sign language and is regularly verbally saying, "mama", "please", "shoes", "no", "more", "up", and is trying so hard to say "juice" and "milk". He sings constantly and even though we can't understand what he is saying, he sings the same Russian song all the time and throughout the song taps his hands on his knees so it must be a song he sang in the baby home. He's also started shaking his finger at his and telling us, "No, no, no!" We don't say that to him so I'm not sure where he gets it from but it's really funny to see him do it.

Unfortunately Artem and Andrik aren't interacting much like I had hoped they would. A normal day for the boys would not see them doing anything together except Artem screaming, "Nyet!" or "Get out of my room!". They merely co-exist. Let me clarify that; Artem co-exists with Andrik and really can't be bothered by Andrik, but yesterday the boys played chase through the house for about two minutes and it gave me a small glimmer of hope that Artem will start to see that Andrik is not that bad and could be a great playmate if he gave him a chance.

We received Andrik's social security card in the mail today. There is a block on the Embassy paperwork form that asks for the government to send a social security card to the house. I heard about people getting the social security card sent to their house rather than going in person to apply for the number but didn't know the exact spot to mark on the form. I found it on the Embassy paperwork and checked the block hoping it would work and it did! One less thing we have to apply for. Next thing we are waiting for is his certificate of citizenship so we can complete his recognition of foreign adoption which will allow him to get a Texas birth certificate.

I think that about sums it up for now. I'll leave you with a few pictures of my baby. His eyes just make me melt!

Figuring This Out

We are slowly getting things figured out with Andrik and we think the number one thing that affects Andrik's behavior is sleep. In Moscow we were sleeping in the same hotel room so Andrik didn't get a lot of good sleep. This past weekend he was still really jet lagged and didn't get good sleep. On Monday we were able to let him sleep in as long as he needed which happened to be 8:45 a.m. and he had a great day. On Tuesday we had to wake him at 7:30 a.m. so we could get Artem to PreK and he only took a short two hour nap and the day was horrible. Lots of crying and several fits and by 5:30 p.m. we had decided to bathe Andrik and put him to bed early to see if extra sleep would help. After 14 hours of sleep, he woke up in a much better mood, had a three hour nap, and had another great day. Sleep seems to be the key for him. So tonight we put him to bed at 6:30 p.m. and hope he wakes in another good mood tomorrow.

Andrik's communication skills are progressing very fast. I had no idea he was going to pick up on English as quickly as he has. We taught him several signs, "please", "more", "eat", "thank you", to name a few. On Monday we were eating lunch and he wanted another french fry and signed without prompting, "Eat more please." By the end of the day he could verbally say "please" (pease) and today he's added "up mama" when he wants us to pick him up.

He's signing and saying "please" when he wanted help.


And while Artem was busy climbing trees...


...look who was busy trying on his big brother's sunglasses.

Looks like we need to get Andrik his own sunglasses.


The boys are getting along much better. They are playing together more and laughing a lot more together. Artem isn't yelling "nyet" at his brother as much and has accepted Andrik playing with his toys. Today Andrik discovered Artem's recorder. That boy might have mad English skills but he has absolutely NO musical ability. Our eardrums will never be the same.

Andrik had his first doctor's appointment today. He weighs 25.5 lbs and is 32.75" tall. He is right in between the 25th-50th % for height and weight. The doctor was impressed with how healthy he is and his verbal skills. The doctor ordered lots of blood work to be run and we will take Andrik to the lab tomorrow morning to have his blood drawn. They will run an immunization titters test and see what vaccinations he's had and still needs. His medical records state that he's current on his immunizations and we are hoping that's the case and he won't need too many shots to get him current.

Settling In

We are finally home and getting settled in to our new normal around here. After all the problems Artem and I had with our initial flight to Moscow a month ago, I thought lightning wouldn't strike twice and we'd all have an easy flight home, but oh how wrong I was.


Our aircraft from Moscow to Atlanta had mechanical problems and we sat for almost 4 hours in our seats while the mechanics frantically worked to fix the problem. The four hour delay caused us to miss our connecting flight into our home town, which was the last flight in for the night, and Delta had to put us in a hotel for the night. It was a quaint little place in a business park that probably holds a two star rating at the most. It wasn't a complete dive but I shudder to think of how many women have made a living on the place I had to lay my head for the night.

Our first order of business upon returning was to get Andrik a haircut. The boy is a head sweater and he needed to get his hair cut much shorter to handle this Texas heat. He also has a rather large bald spot on the top of his head where no hair grows and we had to figure out a way to cover it and hopefully after getting some good nutrition and vitamins in his system, we can get the hair to start growing again.

Much better!!

As far as how things are going with settling in...we'll just say it's a work in progress. Andrik and Artem could not be more different and it's been a challenge getting Andrik settled into our family. The novelty of a little brother has worn off for Artem and the reality is setting in that the new guy gets into Artem's toys, takes time away from mom and dad, and cries a lot which drives Artem crazy. We haven't heard a lot of laughter yet from the boys, mostly we hear Artem screaming, "NYET, NYET!!" and Andrik crying.

And speaking of crying, Andrik cannot handle the word "nyet". He comes unglued if you tell him not to do something and throws himself on the floor, beats his fists on the ground, kicks, and bangs his head on the floor. It's quite a production. He has screamed and cried so much since picking him up from the baby home that he is now hoarse and lets out a little squeak when talking. Ask him to leave the pooper scooper alone, he starts crying. Tell him he's not allowed to pull the nightlights out of the electric sockets, he starts crying. Show him that construction trucks go on the floor and not our coffee table, he starts crying. You get the picture.

Getting into his big brother's train pieces....

Randy and I are really making an effort to let Artem do some special big boy things since he's having to give up so much of his time with us and so many of his toys with Andrik. The night before we left Moscow we put Andrik to bed and let Artem stay up and have hot cocoa and cookies with us. This morning the three of us got up early and we let Artem make the waffles. He LOVES to cook so he was in hog heaven making breakfast.

Andrik is our picky eater and meal times are proving to be a battle ground. When we brought Artem home, he would have eaten the silver coating off the fork if we'd have let him, he loved every kind of food we gave him. Andrik has turned up his nose to several foods, hit us during mealtime, pushes his bowl away and refuses to eat what we serve him. He loves all the breakfast foods we have given him but lunch and dinner are hard. He has access to snack cups of Cheerios at all times so he can see that food is always available but last night we finally had to start removing him from the table every time he tried to smack the food out of my hand that I was feeding him. He was removed four times and placed on the floor next to us screaming his lungs out and once he calmed down we let him back up to the table and tried to feed him again. After the fourth removal, he ate his entire meal. Tonight looked like it was going to be a repeat of last night with him shoving his bowl away but after being removed once, he decided to eat his whole meal even giving us a "yum" a few times. Hopefully he's figuring it out now.

Sleep is a much better subject. He's not a very happy child when he wakes up where Artem bounds out of bed happy from the minute he wakes up, but Andrik is a great sleeper like Artem and sleeps soundly through the whole night. We've started our bedtime routine with him, bath, book, rocking and bed and he's doing great with the routine. Artem HATED bath time in the beginning but Andrik is in heaven in the bathtub. He's so happy to splash and play with the toys and never fights me when I lean him back to wash his hair. He watched Artem get his teeth brushed the first night we had him and after that as soon as I take out the toothbrush he'll open his mouth and say, "ahhhh" as I'm putting the toothpaste on the brush getting it ready. He's so good with brushing his teeth and it's cute to hear him say, "ahhh" the entire time I brush his teeth.

After bath he is loving when we put lotion on him. I massage his legs and arms with lotion and he goes limp and is so relaxed when I'm massaging him. It's sad to think that this is probably the first time he's enjoyed a lotion massage on his little legs and arms. Such an easy treat but not when a caregiver has so many children to look after.

We get him dressed for bed and then read a book to him and spend some time rocking him and singing to him. He crawls right on to our shoulder and snuggles in. Artem used to fight me on holding him close and would keep his hands fisted up between me and him but after a couple rounds of "Twinkle Twinkle" Andrik is totally relaxed on my shoulder and by the time I stand up to put him in bed, he's arms are completely limp and hanging by his sides. He doesn't resist the bonding the way Artem did. Also, as a sidenote, when we brought Artem home and would carry him around, he never held back. It was like holding a sack of potatoes and it took a good six months before Artem would hold on to me when being carried. I can still remember the aisle in the Walmart parking lot where Artem finally held on to me when I carried him; it took so long. Andrik has no problem holding on to us when we carry him, he's also a lot lighter than Artem which is always helpful, but he's so much easier to carry around.

Tomorrow morning we are going to take Andrik shoe shopping. The foot measurement the baby home gave us was not accurate and he doesn't have any summer shoes that fit. When we were in Moscow, I just put thick socks on him and tied his shoes tight to keep them on his feet but it's too hot here for socks and shoes so he needs some sandals that don't look like clown shoes on his feet. He loves wearing Artem's Crocs which are wayyy too big for him so it looks like a pair of Crocs are in his future tomorrow. Speaking of shoes, I am amazed to watch Andrik put on his own socks and shoes, and on the right feet, by himself and he's not even two. When we get in the house, he goes to his room, takes off his shoes and stands by the closet doors signing, "Please" while he waits for me to open the door so he can put his shoes away. The baby home trained him well.

Tomorrow night is Artem's first kickball practice and I can't wait to see a group of three and four year olds learn to kick the ball and run the bases. It's sure to provide some much needed comic relief.