I need to talk about something that is very hard to disclose and might strike a nerve with someone, but nonetheless, I feel like it has to be brought out in the open.
I don't know how to say this nicely and without just blurting it out, but I'm having trouble attaching and loving Andrik. He is attaching to me and bonding with me, but I don't love him and I hate that I even have to say those words.
Andrik is a much more difficult child than Artem. When we told Artem, "That's not for Artem" he listened pretty much the first time. We never had to child proof our house for Artem. He was a very obedient, easy-going child. But Andrik challenges us and pushes our buttons. If we say it's not for him to touch, he'll look straight at us and put one finger on it and when I finally lead him away from the offending item, the mother of all tantrums ensues. His tantrums have returned and with a vengeance. He gets very angry, kicks his feet, bangs his head on the wall or floor, pulls his hair, bites his arms and screams. I don't acknowledge his tantrums but now he's started to lay on my feet and pitch his fits.
The point is, Andrik is a difficult child who wakes up crying and spends the majority of his day crying. Occasionally I get a break and he has an hour or so when he's happy, but most of my day is spent trying to get him to be happy and feeling like I need to be standing on my head juggling puppies with my feet to keep him from crying. And with my day feeling like a continuous battle field, I have yet to find a lot of happiness in parenting this child.
The minute the orphanage director put Artem into my arms, I would have walked through fire for him but if someone were to call me tomorrow and tell me that we forgot to cross a "t" and dot an "i" and Andrik needs to return to Russia, I would almost feel a sense of relief. Why? How can I love Artem so much but fail to have a mother's love for Andrik? I worried so much before bringing Andrik home that I wouldn't be able to love another child like I love Artem but everyone assured me that a mother's heart only divides and has enough room to love all of her children, but why hasn't my heart divided yet?
Up until this point, I hadn't told anyone my feelings about Andrik including Randy. People would come up to me and see Andrik for the first time and tell me how adorable he is and congratulate us and the first thing I would do is change the subject away from Andrik and ask them how they are doing. How could I listen to them go on about his beautiful blue eyes and dimples when I didn't even like him myself?
My feelings for him were quickly turning to resentment and I hated the fact that my life had changed so much merely by his presence. I spend my days listening to him cry, I watch him throw tantrums in the middle of the living room floor, I repeatedly put him back in his bed at nap time because he has suddenly stopped napping but falls asleep on the playroom floor by 4:00 pm because he's not napping, I see negative behaviors coming from Artem that we've never had to deal with before...why did we do this all again? Wasn't adding a second child supposed to add more love to our family? Then why am I so miserable and how do I get past this guilt I feel for not loving this child that has turned my life upside down? And how bad is God going to punish me for even letting these thoughts enter my mind? What have I become when I can't even look at myself in the mirror, literally, and the thought of waking Andrik in the morning to get him up for the day makes me sick to my stomach with nerves because I know he's going to wake up crying and it will continue for several hours?
I've kept all of this to myself and I've put on a good game face to try to paint a happy picture of adoption. What's that saying, "Fake it until you believe it"? Well I've been faking it, and faking it so hard that it almost turns my stomach to be so sticky, sugary, happy-happy all day long. And when my sister called the other night and made a comment about Andrik, I couldn't keep the secret inside any longer and I cried and confessed my feelings, or lack thereof, and prayed that she wouldn't judge me and see me as the horrible person that I was feeling myself to be. Later that night when Randy called, I immediately started crying and a month's worth of pent up feelings poured out all at once and I sobbed into the phone that I think we need to find a new family for Andrik, he deserves a mother that loves him, and told him I wanted my old life back again.
Luckily for me, I had a lunch date planned for the next day with my friend and fellow adoptive mom, Jodi. I will tell you, never underestimate the power of making a friend online. Jodi started out "knowing" me by reading my blog until she discovered we lived in the same town and our friendship has now progressed to me telling Randy in between sobs, "I just need to talk to Jodi tomorrow at lunch, she'll understand." I was right, not only did she understand, but she gave me some good recommendations and assured me that what I was feeling was completely normal. Thank goodness for sisters and girlfriends!
And thank goodness for good agencies that listen, give resources, and let me know that this is a very, very common feeling in women especially in second adoptions and even more so in second adoptions that had a "perfect" child as a first adoption. I couldn't believe that the feelings I am dealing with are normal and more wide spread than people admit to. I have wracked myself with guilt trying to understand how I could love one child so much but not bond with our second child. I was sure we had made a huge mistake by adopting again but our agency promised me the feelings will come and I just need to continue to "fake it" and put on my happy face until the feelings start to emerge.
Yesterday I decided to keep thinking positive thoughts. Kind of like Dory in "Finding Nemo", "just keep swimming, just keep swimming..." and I have to say it's making a little bit of a difference. I've been praying; praying like crazy actually, but praying, "Please God, make Andrik nap more than 10 minutes" and yesterday he napped for forty minutes but then woke up crying. But instead of being upset that he only napped for forty minutes and that my prayer wasn't answered like I asked, I decided to put him in the buggy and go for a walk. One of the things that has bothered me so much is that I've had to forfeit my daily walks with Bella, who now has so much pent up energy that she's chewing things around the house, let alone the fact that my jeans are fitting a little more snug since we've been home. And without sounding cheesy, it was almost like God was saying, "He didn't sleep, but why not make lemonade out of these lemons and go for a walk?" And walk we did for forty five minutes, and guess who dozed off while I was getting some exercise? What a relief!!
I still have my moments when I get really frustrated with Andrik and wish he could just be happy and stop crying; his ten minute nap today didn't help matters, but I'm sticking to the advice to keep faking it and focus on the positives and I noticed tonight when we were sitting together in the rocking chair watching the nightly news that I felt a little hand with jagged fingernails begin to stroke my arm and then felt that same hand squeeze behind my back and the chair and felt him rubbing my back like I've done to him since the day we picked him up. I also think I felt a little piece of my heart start to soften and hopefully soon I'll be able to say with 100% certainty, "I love Andrik".
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39 comments:
I feel for you. I've had some of these very same feelings. Keep on truckin' and simply take things one day at a time. :) You will get through this. God brought you to this boy and him to you for a reason. I'll be praying for you.
Susan!! Oh my stars! Your honesty is overwhelming (in a good way). It was like I was reading my own words. Except I complained to everyone! Hang in there - It will get better!! You can email me if you want happymomof2@comcast.net
Susan, thank you SO much for your post. I think this is sort of that dirty little adoption secret that many families experience but not many of us talk about. Let me take that back - I actually think many 2nd time moms go through this. One of my best friends, whose first child was angelic, sounds like Artem, really struggled with her 2nd. While her first child listened, ate well, slept well, did everything just as he was supposed to do, her 2nd child did none of those things and she was absolutely miserable and had many of the same feelings you do. As I have been going through the process of my 2nd adoption, I have been worreid about the same issues. My daughter, Clare, transitioned easily - just fit in from day one with her new routine and was just perfect. I have been petrified about how baby girl #2 could disrupt what is a wonderful life. Since Clare was so wonderful, I feel destined to have a 2nd child who is her opposite and how will I deal? Will I ever love another child as much as I love Clare? All the same thoughts you have had. I don't have answers other than you are not alone! Not even close. There are many moms out there, adoptive and birth, who have gone through the same thing and made it through alive with 2 beautiful children that they grew to love. And many of us "waiting" moms who share your fears and thank you for being brave enough to share it. If you need to talk - please email me. I think you have my address from the CSS group.
No one talks about how difficult it is when you first come home. Everyone talks about the baby attaching to us and not the other way around. It definitely took me a good few months to feel love for our little girl. I wanted so badly to feel that "walk through fire" love like I do with my bio boys. Our daughter is not easy! She was so clingy in the beginning I couldn't move a muscle without her on me. Then we went into the hitting, biting, naughty phase. She would walk from one thing to the next finding things she shouldn't do (opening the oven door for example). She would look at me and laugh. I felt like I had no control and therefore, cried a lot! My boys were not perfect, but pretty close to it as toddlers. One threw his fair share of temper tantrums, but not like Grace was doing. And they NEVER involved me getting bitten or hit. Grace is 18 months old now and has been sitting in time outs for about 3 months now. It works for us. Her behavior has improved greatly and therefore the love has grown so much. It is so difficult to feel that warm fuzzy love when someone is either crying at you, hitting you or trying to make you mad all day. Andrik is a lot older that Artem was when you got him. He is in the terrible twos which I know not all kids go through (one of mine didn't), but he has that combined with his world being turned upside down. He is testing you and also just seems overly tired. When you get naps back on track and over some time, things will surely fix themselves. I feel bad for you. I know how hard this is. The first 3-4 months were so difficult and filled with so many obstacles. I felt the guilt since we waited for over 3 years to bring her home and then I felt like "what did I do". Grace is a little stinker, but I can honestly say I truly love my little stinker now! You'll get there.
Susan, just so you know, it can happen with bio kids also. I had a "perfect" first child, and then along came the second, and man oh man it was tough work. Everything he did was different than the first one and he was harder in every way. But they do grow up, they do grow in your heart and it eventually happens when you look at your child, not with disgust but with love. I still fight certain feelings even today, but very few and far between. I agree that prayer is very important to your growth and to the healing also. One thing you need to make sure you stop doing is comparing...each child is different and he will never be like Artem, so please, please stop comparing and see the difference and embrace them fully. This was a lesson that I had to learn, and it is hard to do, but well worth it. I will also keep you in my prayers...Sally
Sally said exactly what I would have... I love my littlest boy but HOLY COW, he is not an easy child. I could relate so much with the crying all day and the walking on egg shells. I'm so sorry.
Don't forget you are amazing. You are an amazing Mom and Andrik and Artem are so lucky to have you-- and vice versa.
(((hug)))
Not only does this sound normal for a 2nd adoption, but I know of several friends who had this problem with biological kids where the firstborn was easy and the second was just more difficult to love. Hang in there. It's not your fault. It's really hard to love someone who is actively trying to make you not love him.
Susan, I can hear how much you are struggling and have struggled with this. I would say "normal" is to light a word for that weight. "Expected" is better. Of course you are struggling, every parent struggles. Of course it takes time to bond, you too are a human being. Of course, it is harder with a more challenging child -- EVERYTHING is harder with a more challenging child. By sharing this truth with everyone, your love has started to grow, your heart just has to break a little to expand some days.
God bless.
Debra
D NOT beat yourself up!! I think that first year is the hardest for all of us, whether we want to admit it or not. Our lives are suddenly changed, even though we did it purposefully and with good intentions. It is no longer a time where we can do whatever we want whenever--even on second adoptions--I'm sure you had gotten to the point where you could do just about anything you wanted with Artem. . .make sue you make some time for just you: once a day, once a week, etc. It is still early in your "home forever" time. Give it time and forgive yourself for being a normal Mama.
God Bless!
I know that we're supposed to be stoic heroes in the face of adversity, but I've said before, this stuff is not always rainbows & butterflies.
Adopting a toddler robs you of the 2 years of ramp up time that most parents get to adjust to the newness of it all. An adoptive parent gets a semi-autonomous, walking (or running!), jabbering little PERSON, not a cute tiny baby who mostly sleeps. You have to, literally, land on your feet and keep staggering forward.
It used to burn me up when I heard about other parents' children sitting quietly & peacefully, reading a book or playing with some small toy and minding politely like perfect little church mice.
That's just not real.
But what you're experiencing now isn't real either - it's at the other end of the unreal spectrum. It will balance out.
wow. I'm so glad you talked about these feelings. I just wanted to say that your feelings are not just with adopted children. I had a hard time bonding with my second child. It just didn't come natural like the first. He likes to push my buttons and is super needy. I remember shortly after I gave birth to him I wondered why my feelings weren't as strong as the first time. I paint a happy picture in my mind most of the time to have a good attitude about the day. I learned to focus on the positive and learn what works best now such as your walk. One thing that helped me a lot with bonding is cuddling him a lot. Every chance he gives me even if its in the middle of the day. We lay down in bed and hug or tickle or give kisses. Its now my favorite time of day and even my first child joins in and we all hug and laugh together. With every addition your normal always changes and you just have to go with the flow.
(((Hugs my friend))) I hope all the supportive responses you are getting are helping you feel like you can hang in there and that you are normal and can let some of the mommy guilt go!! So glad I could be there for you then...and I always am!
Yep, I too think this is not only an adoptive parent/child issue. When reading your blog before this post, I was actually wondering if you were feeling this way. Well not exactly this way, but like it is more of a challenge.
You will be okay and so will your boys. Do you know how many other moms are out there faking it? Trust me, there are more than a few days when I still have to fake it with my 20 year old!
I cant' believe how brave you are. I am going to piggyback, with the other post let the mommy guilt go. Do you have someone to come over and give you a break for a of hours??? Hang in there, my prayers are with you.
Susan, thank you for your honesty - hugs to you! Both our children were adopted as newborns, our oldest was the perfect baby (he's still a pretty well behaved kid even at age 5!) and I fell in love the minute he was placed in my arms. Our daughter suffered from severe reflux and our first 3 months as a family of 4 are a haze - I don't think I have EVER been that exhausted in my life. Every time she cried my heart would plummet to my stomach... Looking back, it was a very, very dark time. But, time is the best medicine and as she grew and her symptoms improved, my attitude and perspective also improved. She is the light of our family and we are all head over heels in love with our baby girl, but man o man, it took me a while to get here.
Hang in there.
You may also want to check out Sandra's blog, the daily grind (http://jazzieandtahlia.typepad.com). She speaks openly of her struggles with the adoption of their second daughter - might be worth a read.
Oh, it just breaks my heart to read what you are going through. I know you've heard it before, but it is all normal. It is good to be honest about your feelings! And you should follow any professional recommendations early rather than later.
Speaking from experience, I can honestly say I wished I had sought help earlier. I can recall scanning through blog after blog to find one other adoptive mom with similar problems with a demanding, tantrum prone child, and my own feeling of resentment at the life I had lost. You know what, I think maybe I found one or two, but they were always the extreme, and I wasn't there either. I did love my child, but I was depressed and beaten down by his demanding nature.
I honestly think more women go through this but are not honest on their blogs, or don't want to be depressing so they put on a sugary sweet disposition. It is wonderful you have found a kindred soul in Jodi. You are a wonderfully kind and caring mom to Artem and Andrik and you will look back in 3 months and 6 months and think how much has changed. I am thinking and praying it will get easier day by day.
Yikes! He just a child and he's been through so much. Can't say it should be surprising after all, he is going through an adjustment phase too.
You absolutely can not compare your two sons. Ever. They are not and should not be from the same mold.
I wish for you the peace you need and the ability to open your heart to your second son in the same manner in which you opened it to your first.
Hi Susan:
I can related completely to your feelings. I adopted my sweet boy from Russia is 2008. He is very affectionate, kind and loving. One and a half years later I adopted my second son expecting a similar experience. He is completely different than my first and I am also struggling to love him as much as I do my first. I often think about how peaceful and loving our family was before our second son was adopted.
After speaking with a professional therapist, I have learned that my second son's behaviors are more typical of a child adopted from Russia. (He also cries, screams, is defiant and is a horrible sleeper.) Although he is less than two years old we are going to attachment therapy. I have already read Heather Forbes book (Beyond Love, Consequences and Logic) and found it very helpful. I have learned that expressing my anger or frusteration around my second child only creates anxiety and fear and makes him act out more. My husband and I are trying to respond more lovingly and although things are not perfect they are much better. Understanding that their behaviors are based on fear and not anger or definance has really helped. I have also learned that it is never too early to start professional help. I have learned that early intervention is the key to not having long term issues with children from Russia.
Hang in there!
I think that the responses you have gotten really illustrate that you're not alone, that so many have gone through something similar. It's that giant elephant in the room that no one will talk about, because it's invisible to everyone but those who have actually experienced it. And even the folks who HAVE experienced it don't want to talk about it, because they have a fear of being judged (or worse) for saying that they just don't 100% love their child just yet.
Iliya, like Artem, was a SUPER easy child...but I STILL had difficulty attaching to him. I can't imagine how it would've been for me, if he'd been a more difficult child. I felt guilty for my feelings back then...but have since realized that I was just normal and didn't' realize it at the time.
I'm here if you ever need to talk, vent, cry, share happiness....whatever.
THANK YOU for you honesty! It is so refreshing to finally hear a little bit of truth about the real world. I still struggle with our daughter who has been home now 3 years. Her frustration tolerance is so low, and her erratic behavior is so embarassing. The worst part is, it was better when we first brought her home, but now that she is in preschool, she has become more difficult to manage. I have no answers, but wanted to say thank you for not being fake!
Peggy
It took time for Artem to let down his defenses (remember that moment at Walmart) ... it'll take time for Andrik too. His tactics are just a little different. But you a strong... you are a Texan ... in love with a helicopter pilot ... and find the beauty of the world by focusing thru your camera lens. When you are able to cut thru all the haze of exhaustion, and toddlerhood, and all the rest... the focus will be sharper and the picture will be amazing. Each child tests our limits at some point...and while I only know you thru your writing...Andrik has met his match! I can only speak from my own point of view ... I started following your blog religiously as a family member journeyed to Russia for their family. You helped me through the process knowing what to say(or better yet what not too!) You are warm and open ...and his heart doesn't stand a chance. Keep the faith ... wild colts always make the best horses. Wishing you the best today and always ....
Susan, I don't have any children. But DH and I have discussed foster/adopt. Then I think how much I LOVE my sleep and our fairly "comfortable" life - I wonder do we really want to add a child to our lives. I think if we did, it would be okay, but an adjustment! I think you are human and being real - don't beat yourself up! Thanks for sharing!
Susan,
I don't have any words of wisdom from experience, but I do respect (an am in awe of) your honesty. This will only help the love to grow in your heart and in Andrik's. He's so lucky to have a mama willing to fight for him, willing to keep on making lemonade out of lemons! We'll be praying for you all!
Susan, my dear! Matthew was somewhere in the middle of your boys--pretty compliant, but as he got comfortable, and particularly those first few days of preschool, he likes to test. So many people have said so many great things already, so I'll keep it short. Great book for "challenging" kids: "try and Make me" by Ray levy and bill o'hanlon--excellent, concrete suggestions, and you know for us this is kid no. 4, and those authors taught me some things, for sure. You'll figure out so much as Andrik's language grows, but a silver lining with a challenging kid that often wicked bright--just figuring out how to work with it, bs. af
Gainer is the real challenge. BEST of luck-- thinking of you guys. Sally
sorry, writing this from my iPhone, and autospell killed my last line: work with it, not against it. As a elementary school teacher once said about our "challenging" eldest child: she'll either end up President or prisoner, but nothing in between! She's in college now, so hopefully the former :-)
Susan,
I felt very much the same way as you did in the begining with Anna. I was and still at times are a little bit bitter that I spent the bulk of my leave not being with Anna but taking my Mother to doctor appointments.
Anna would not fall asleep at all at night. I would be up until 1 am waiting for her to fall asleep. There were times when I was up for well more then 36 hours 2 or 3 times per week.
I too considered disruption, Gerard would not hear of it. He now admits that he helped mevery little when Anna first came home and that this added to my stress and delayed attachment.
I am also sending you an email.
Hoping things are getting better,
Joy
This post is so honest and brave. I know it can't have been easy to put it out there. I know you're a great mother and I know you are working hard on blending Andrik into your family, and I also know that years from now you are going to look back on this time and think, "Wow, things were so different then, I can't imagine a time when Andrik didn't seem like he had always been a part of our family."
We too have been through the situation of having kids that behave totally differently from their siblings, and it is a major, massive challenge, but I can tell from what you wrote that you are doing all the right things to meet this challenge. There is no better place in the world for that little boy to be than in your family and your home. Hang in there, Susan. You are doing great even if doesn't feel that way.
ps, this is JanB from SN, I have no idea why it is calling me "jmb347".
Susan, please do not feel alone. I experienced the same feelings and issues upon arriving home with my second child. In fact, I even had to talk to the doctor about depression. My dr. informed me that it was normal to have these feelings and that accepting a new child into your life whether through birth or adoption is a difficult adjustment. My second child is the more challenging for sure. My first & second child couldn't be more different. I still struggle and have days where I question my own sanity, but there are times of rejoicing and happiness too! I will be praying for you and for Andrik. You are such a great mom and the time WILL come when you can say you do in fact love Andrik with all of your heart. Thank you for such an honest post. It is hard to put those feelings out there. I know I had a hard time with it. If you need to talk please email me at smellyyellowcat@msn.com and I will be happy to exchange my phone number with you. Prayers for you!
Tara S.
I admire your honesty. As many others have said, you're not alone in feeling this way. It definitely took longer for feelings to develop when we adopted our son (our second adoption). I had those instant feelings when we adopted our daughter two years before. I remember watching the video you posted of your first meeting with Artem and feeling guilty because I didn't have those same strong feelings when I met my son at that same baby home two month earlier. Is Randy away? If so, that probably makes it more difficult because you never get a break. I hope things get better soon.
Susan- I'm in Russia now we just finished up court and I have insomnia. I have been thinking about you and I too appreciate your honesty. Man I went through that with Small Fry. I can't even say he was bonding to me, at least it didn't feel that way when he would throw a fit or hit me. I really like what Rob said.... so much! We definitely are being thrown into it feet first with toddlers and have missed the gradual baby days of bonding. I also have to say that once our Small Fry started understanding us and then actually speaking... things went so much better. I really feel it will come eventually. Even my doctor a pediatrician who has adopted 4 children from Russia councils couples that it can take a while for the parents to bond with the child. That bonding goes two ways. Our newest munchkin is 1 year old, and more like a baby than a toddler. But looking back on our experience with Small Fry I would have planned more away time for me to re-energize and definitely planned more take out. The time away would have been so much better. I am so glad you got to visit with a friend in town who knows and understands that side of adoption. It makes all the difference in the world. Hang in there!
Let me tell you, I felt the same about my own biological child. My kids are two years apart and my second child threw tantrums like you would not believe. We would walk on eggshells but then realized that she needed to have them to get out all the emotions from all the stimuli that was being processed. That was just her way of dealing.
I am happy to say she is almost 6 and they are gone. She is such a lovable sweet child. That stage is difficult in any family but to add that to an established unit would throw anyone for a loop. You are NORMAL. Keep your chin up. What lucky boys you have.
Tiffany
This sounds oh, so familiar. We brought home two at the same time. One, our son, was easy-peasy. Happy. Smiling. Slept. O
Our daughter?! Not so at all. She kicked, screamed, bit, pinched.... You name it, she likely did it. I have to say...that now...two years later...I sometimes still carry a little resentment for that. She couldn't help it. She was so upset, but I got so run ragged.
Now? She is doing very well. She is in kindergarten and we haven't seen that type of behavior for a very long time.
Hang in there!!!
Blessings to you~
Susan,
I have not been able to read blogs while we were traveling and just got a chance to read your last update. That took a lot of courage to write what I can only imagine some might think but never be able to put down. Andrik becoming a member of your family was not an accident. I can't think of better parents to love a challenging child. God placed Andrik with a mom who laid it out in black and white when she was struggling and I look forward to reading your post that details the highlights of life with Andrik. Prayers and hugs from Alabama!
It is so hard to deal with the no-napping! I remember how exasperated I would get when nap time would come... and go... with no nap. It would truly just make me angry, after I had been so looking forward to having those couple of hours of quiet!
Please make sure you are able to get a few hours each week of SUSAN time. Call in all available resources to watch your sons and then take a little time for you. You need that. You need to get enough sleep, too, so if necessary, have someone come over and watch Andrik while YOU take a nap :)
I think you and Andrik are feeling the same right now. If you could, wouldn't you cry all day from the frustration as well?
I hope you will continue to try to find little ways to connect with Andrik, holding him, looking into his eyes, and praising him sky high when he does any little thing well.
I think one of the earlier posters is right, that because he's older than Artem was, he is going to behave differently. His Russian language development was probably further ahead and his routines were more established. Then one day he's taken away by new parents who speak a different language, he gets a new name and a new brother who is somewhat competitive with him, and everything is different! And he has no control over any of it!
It's only natural that on some level, you are subconsciously blaming Andrik for ruining your happy family. But, he didn't ask you to adopt him! And he truly hasn't ruined it! Hang in there!
One thing that worked for my daughter's tantrums, is that I would laugh and tell her she was being silly. If I wasn't getting upset, it took the steam out of the tantrum, at least some of the time.
Also, I can't remember if you said whether Andrik has learned any sign language? That can help a lot with working through frustration.
Anyway, I've been following your blog for quite a while and you are a very good, capable mom! Don't give up on him when he needs you the most! It will take time and sometimes it won't be easy, but we all know you will succeed.
Susan I absolutely admire you so much for how honest you were in this blog. Please know that you are doing an amazing job, and you are doing it alone(I take my hat off to you girl). I love that you are being positive, just take it one day at a time. I send my biggest hug your way and will be calling you soon, so we can have another play date together. Love, Jess
Just wanted you to know that we are thinking of you! I'm so sorry to hear about the difficulties since being home. You've had some wonderful comments left and some great suggestions. I hope these help along with help from social workers, friends, and your agency!!
Our situation was different in that our daughter was older (4). Our difficulties came after the initial honeymoon stage. We are still working through many of them. It makes me sad that our little ones have to go through so much due to their initial years of life. Makes it hard for attachment. As you've read in your comments, your not alone!
So I know I am WAY behind here, but I'm gonna add my two cents anyway..because I can ;0)
Not only did I not love my two children when they came home I HATED them. I would hear them (they were 3 and 5) coming down the hall to my room in the morning and I would cringe thinking, "Oh God they're still here. What am I going to do." One was UBER compliant and it annoyed me that he was such a suck up. The other was a constant problem and it annoyed me that she was always in trouble. I knew we had made a horrible mistake, and that we must have been only to be the go between from Africa to their real family. I had three other children, so I knew it wasn't the whole can I really love another thing.
It took six long months before I actually had loving feelings toward them. Some days better than others. I was told by several people that the first six months can be brutal, and after that things start to settle a bit.
It did, but it was still a good year before I had that mother bear, don't mess with my kid if you want to keep all your body parts feeling.
You are not alone, and it is common, and it will get better.
Plus I don't really like the whole fake it till you make it terminology, true love is ACTION. I chose to do things I didn't want to do for two people I did not want to do it for because I wanted to love them. I FRIMLY believe the feelings come because the action. Yeah, you are faking the attitude...but you are choosing to love by doing..does that even make sense???
I have to say too, that even when I thought I had finally arrived, all of a sudden those yucky feelings would come back...it's an ebb and flow.
Anyway, hang in there mama. It will come and when it does it will be glorious.
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