On Monday we met a nine month old adorable little boy. It was a very difficult day due to the long, winding drive, a heat wave in Moscow with buildings lacking any air conditioning, and me suffering from what we’ve termed, “Stalin’s Revenge”. It wasn’t pretty.
The little boy is adorable but we had some concerns with his developmental progress. He was in a baby hospital yesterday rather than his normal baby home due to an ear infection. He had been hospitalized for 6 days staying in a crib in a tiny room with no a/c, no toys, and no stimulation; not even a mobile for the crib or any paint color on the walls. The heat in the room was so bad I had to sit down because the room was spinning and things were going black on me. This little baby had been there since July 6th lying in that heat sweating. We couldn’t really get him to interact with us and got very little emotion out of him. We think part of it was the heat and part of it was the fact that he hasn’t had any interaction with anyone since the 6th. There wasn’t any room to do anything with him other than hold him since the room was so tiny.
We saw him again today but this time he returned to his baby home since his ear infection has been cleared up. The poor boy is cutting four top teeth all at once so I’m not convinced it was an ear infection due to illness rather than teething. Today we saw a little more emotion from him but it was still limited. He laughed a little and we got him to babble and blow raspberries but at one point he fell backwards and we waited for him to cry but he didn’t. He can roll over on his own and can crawl but he cannot sit up. He’s 20 pounds at 9 months old so we wonder if he cannot sit on his own b/c of his weight and lack of stimulation and time outside of the crib. He will roll over and take his foot and try to get himself to the sitting position but immediately falls back. He has very strong legs and tries to stand on his own but again starts to topple over.
Tomorrow we will see him again and a local doctor is meeting us to examine the child. The doctor was not available today. His medical background is very good with no drug or alcohol use by his birth mother, was born at 38 weeks with Apgar scores of 7 and 8, and he looks healthy but we just don’t know how to judge his lack of development. Is it due to a mental problem or because he’s in an orphanage and doesn’t get any time to work on these skills? If anyone has any input, we’d love to hear your experiences.
We had no idea the second time around would be this difficult and we certainly didn’t think it would take us three days of meeting a child to help us make our decision. This has been the hardest thing we have done so far and we feel incredibly guilty not instantly loving this boy like we did with Artem. If you have any input for us, please leave us a comment or you can email me privately at staylor602@hotmail.com
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Since August 2007
Randy and Susan
After seven years of trying to start a family, we journeyed to Moscow Russia to bring our son Artem home. He has blessed our family more than we thought possible and now we are returning to Russia again to make Artem a big brother.
Artem...Our First Russian Blessing
Andrik...Our Second Russian Blessing
Cheerios In My Shorts
You can read about what we've been up to since Artem came home from Russia if you click here: Cheerios In My Shorts.
Adoptive Families I follow...
- Corey and Amy
- Brad, Jen, and Bek
- Life With Colin
- To Find a Daughter
- Amy and Norah
- Kim, Lance, Jack, Cooper, and Carter
- Chuck,Tracey, and Matt
- Justin, Lisa, and Nickolas
- Quest to Russia
- Steve, Carolynn, and Karina
- Joy, Gerard, and Anna
- Stayce, Andy, and Alina
- Renae, Joe, and Olivia
- Scott, Allison, Jasi, and Sasha
- Abraham Family
- Angie, Curt, Josh, and Vika
- Jane, Jim, Cooper and Kara
- Graeme, Rebecca, and Sam
- Allison, Stu and the crew
- Nicole, Brett and Ava
- David, Jodi, Andrei and Alex
- Becky, Keith, and Andrew
- Brian, Ondrea, the boys and Meg
- Heather, Jason, and Zachary
- Tiger, Kar and Ilya
- Scott, Carrie, Sophie and Sam
- Shane, Marie and Bryson
- Debbie, Dave and Isabel
- Troy, Rachel and Daniel
- Carrie, Michael and S
- Beth, Nick, Luca and Jaxon
- Carey, Norman and kids
- Mark, Sinziana and Diego
- Scott, Dana, and Cade
- Jane, Caroline, and Chase
- Rob, Dede, and Liam
- Chris, Danica, Alexa, and Anneliese
- Adrienne, Jim, and Owen
- Nathan, Melissa and Iliya
Helpful or Interesting Links
Important First Adoption Dates
- May 17, 2008 Certificate of Citizenship Arrived
- Apr 19, 2008 Home!!
- Apr 12, 2008 Gotcha Day!
- Mar 31, 2008 Court, We Are Approved!
- Mar 30, 2008 Visit With Artem
- Mar 24, 2008 171H Apostilled, Fed Ex'd to Moscow
- Mar 21, 2008 171H Received
- Mar 14, 2008 171H Approved!
- Mar 13, 2008 Petition Sent to Senator to Expedite 171H
- Mar 3, 2008 FBI Fingerprint Clearances Arrive
- Mar 3, 2008 FedEx'd Addendum to USCIS
- Feb 21, 2008 Court Date Assigned
- Feb 16, 2008 Letter From USCIS Stating Incomplete Info on Home Study
- Feb 13, 2008 FedEx'd FBI Fingerprint Clearance
- Feb 4, 2008 Met Our Son Artem Alexander
- Feb 2, 2008 Leave for 1st Trip
- Jan 25, 2008 Invite to Travel
- Jan 25, 2008 Fingerprint Appt, San Antonio
- Jan 15, 2008 Tentative Travel Plans for Feb 2nd
- Jan 12, 2008 Second Dossier Mailed to Agency
- Jan 9, 2008 I-797C Received, Invitation for Fingerpring Appt.
- Jan 4, 2008 DHL Loses our Dossier
- Jan 2, 2008 Decision Made By Us To Register Our Dossier in Late February
- Dec 14, 2007 Home Study Mailed to CIS (I600A)
- Dec 14, 2007 Dossier Mailed to Agency
- Dec 14, 2007 Dossier Apostilled
- Dec 12, 2007 Received Final Home Study
- Dec 3, 2007 Randy Dossier Physical
- Nov 28, 2007 Susan Dossier Physical
- Nov 27, 2007 Requested copies of medical license
- Nov 23, 2007 Receipt Received from Immigration Services
- Nov 16, 2007 Electronic Fingerprint Appt for Home Study
- Nov 12, 2007 Mailed I600A
- Nov 8, 2007 HIV, TB, STD, HEP B&C bloodwork complete
- Nov 7, 2007 Fire Marshall Inspection complete
- Oct 30, 2007 Approved with new agency, CSS
- Oct 24, 2007 Last meetings with home study agency
- Oct 17, 2007 First home study meeting with local agency
- Oct 12, 2007 Cancelled our home study with CHI
- Oct 11, 2007 Cancelled with CHI
- Sept 20, 2007 Home Study social worker assigned to us.
- Sept 19, 2007 Home study packet received at agency
- Sept 18, 2007 Home study packet is mailed to agency
- Sept 17, 2007 Home Study packet is complete!!
- Aug 7, 2007 Call from agency, no longer on hold, paperwork is being mailed to us.
- Aug 3, 2007 Approved from agency but on hold indefinetly from Russian govt.
- July 17, 2007 Mailed intial application to agency
Adoption Terminology
- 171H= Official permission to bring child/children into the country. NOTHING happens until this paper is in your hot little hand
- I 600A= Form requesting permission for us to bring a child/children into the country to adopt and become a citizen
- MOE = Ministry of Education (in Russia)
- Dossier = our packet of info (home study, financial statements, background checks) sent to Russia
- PAP= Potential Adoptive Parent
- IA= International Adoption
Friends Following Our Journey
Visitors
Credits:
*Photo of Randy and Susan taken by Melissa Bridges
*Check out the Shabbby Shoppe for great background papers
*Check out the Shabbby Shoppe for great background papers
35 comments:
Susan -
I know you're an experienced adoptive mama, so you may already have this contact info, but I thought I'd pass it along. You also know me (I used to blog at Bun in the Airplane). The docs at the U of Washington were great to consult with via email - put something like **IN RUSSIA NOW** in your subject line (not cheap to consult with, but I'm sure you don't care at this point). Their email is adoption@uw.edu. I'd email them all of your observations and ask for help. Also, the local pediatrician we used in Moscow Region was Dr Khouloudis -- you may be familiar with her? I don't know...I do know that we found her to be very helpful to us in country. She is Russian, is Western trained, and speaks English. Her email is vkhouloudis@yahoo.com. I hope some of this is helpful to you...and try not to feel guilty at all - you need to be sure. ;)
Take care,
Nancy
Susan ,
Wehn we met Ava she had been living in a hospital the first eight months of her life. Finally a bed came available at the orphanage. But they had put her back in the hospital because she was exsposed to Chiken pox right before we arrived. She was so emotionally blank. But after several days of us visiting she began to come out of her little world. The hospital is far worse than the orphange. If they are sick they put them in what they call the box. It is a small room in isolation. That breaks my heart for this little guy. He is really big! Ava weighed only 12 pounds @ 11 months!
God bless you . This is such a hard thing to go through. Let me know if I can help.
Nicole
nmsettle@yahoo.com
Just wanted to chime in with Dr. Khouloudis's phone number, in case your other doc falls through.
+7 926 2036742
(Presumably that's how to dial from US.) She's great, and doesn't sugar-coat things.
Best of luck with your decision. Take care of yourselves.
I;m not an expert at all but my gut tells me there is nothing wrong with that baby and to bring him home as soon as you can and he will flourish.
Susan - Don't know if this really helps with your questions, but these were two things we were told by our IAD to look for that really stuck with me:
*Pay attention to their muscles. Many times they will be limper than expected due to their lack of stimulation. However, if they are stiff or tight, this can be because of an underlying issue
*Pay attention to their hands. A child who is 6 months should have open hands and be able to transfer an object from one hand to the other. A 12 month old child who keeps their hands in a fist may have underlying issues.
You may already know these things, but thought I qould pass them along. We'll be praying for you while you make a decision.
-Rachel
Our bio daughter was really big - 20 poounds at 5 months, and she could not sit up at all for a VERY long time. She would just fall over. For months and months and months. I remember very clearly when she was 9 months old she could not sit by herself. Hope this helps!
Victoria
PS She is fine now! :)
I would suggest waiting to hear what the Dr. says before making a decision. I would hope that you can reach a Dr. at U of W to get their opinion as well.
It took several meetings with Dylan before he connected with us. Dylan also wasn't a cryer and that may be baby house training. By the day before out court date (we were one trip in 2001), he was smiling when he saw us but it took time.
As I recall, you need to think of him more like 7 mos. given his time in a baby house. Caroline was a big headed big bio baby and at 7 mos I don't think she was sitting up great and she also wasn't distressed if she toppled over and was able to roll over.
I wish you all much peace and you come to your decision
Michele
Dear Susan,
I feel your heart in this post and I can tell you are a worried Mama. When we adopted our little girl from China at 20 months she could not hold her weight up when held. You needed to support her back like a newborn. I was concerned but within days of holding her and her being able to move around her muscle strength started developing so quickly. Please think of the conditions this sweet boy has been in. My little girl was shut down, it was how she survived. She is full of life and joy and love and is perfectly healthy. I am not a doctor but I truly believe that these are basic signs of an institutionalized child and his progress will astound you in the coming months. I will be praying for you and your family.
Many Blessings.
I feel your stress!! It's a very emotional/stressful trip when you have to make that kind of decision. Use your IA doctors they will either put your mind at ease or help you make an impossible decision. We used Dr. Dana Johnson at University of Minnesota http://www.med.umn.edu/peds/iac/ He was very honest. We also got a second opinion from Dr. Kang. Good luck, I will be watching and hoping things turn out great! Rachel
Hey Suz, I know your heart is aching right now. It sounds like your adoptive family friends have some wonderful advice for you and Randy. We love you guys and we're praying for God to give you wisdom and peace in your decisions.
No experience or advice . . . just want you to know you and Randy are in my thoughts. I hope you're able to make a decision that you're at peace with.
Best,
Whitney (scout)
Hi Susan,
I am praying for wisdom and direction for you both. I am sure this is agonizing. The first thing I thought of when you mentioned the temperature of the room and his lack of interaction was the high probability that he was dehydrated. In heat like that, he would need constant hydration. I don't know if Artem has ever been dehydrated with a bout of the flu but when my son was young and would get even slightly dehydrated, he was completely lethargic and did not interact at all - just sat or laid with a glazed expression. One other thing. My nephew was adopted at 14 months and did not react to falling or getting hurt for several months after he was home. He had to be taught to seek comfort. He just turned 10 and, in all areas, is the picture of perfect health.
Blessings and prayers!
Jenn
This may sound like a REALLY stupid question, but please hear me out.
What you & Randy are feeling... you were saying something to the effect of you didn't fall in love with him immediately the way you did with Artem.
QUESTION: is it that you don't feel anything for him, or is it that you're scared of what could be wrong with him?
All I can do is offer my prayers & pray that God shows you which child is yours - and that you & Randy will be able to accept him/her regardless of what "imperfections" there are or could be. God's plans aren't always ours, so there's a chance it may be that He is guiding you to this child for a reason, and I'd hate to see you miss out because you were scared or didn't think you could handle something. The FACT is that if God guides you to a specific child, HE will handle the details, HE will give you what you need to raise & help that child.
I'm not saying this is or is not "your child." Just trying to give input & encourage you to rely on God's guidance for this most important decision.
Praying,
Michelle
Oh yeah, I forgot something: almost ALL babies don't cry when they get little bumps if they've been in an orphanage their whole lives. They know nobody will come so it's the same thing as when they rock themselves to sleep at night, it's them trying to deal with it alone because they've never had any other option.
And, as some other people have said, if that poor little guy was in that much heat, I'm sure he was rather lethargic. Perhaps seeing him in the orphanage will give you a better idea of what he's really like!
One more thing (sorry!) - try to remember that you will NEVER feel the same way about another child as you do about Artem right off the bat. When you adopted him, there was nothing to compare your love to, and over time your love for & connection to Artem has only grown stronger. Over time, you will come to love all your children the same, but initially of course it will be different! Even under the best circumstances, with the most confident decision, you haven't cared for your new child yet, bonded as mother & child, lived life together. So don't worry about not feeling the way for a new child the way you feel for Artem instantly... it will come. :-)
Our first one from Russia, now 11, was only 12 pounds at 8 months was in an orphanage. Beautiful, very young, and healthy. The next one, now 4, was at a baby hospital because the orphage was full..she was at the hospital she had been born at, was still in the "abandoned baby room". I struggled to connect with the second one (and initially said no) because she was older, and had a very prominent lazy eye. It was correctable, but it shouldn't have mattered, but it did. Babies in Russia now that can be adopted are older, sicker, and not what you once had. Turns out, the child in the hospital had more stimulation, was held more, loved more, and seems to be more emotionally healthy than the 11 year old.
I know where you are coming from. We also used Dr. K the second time around, and loved her. She was expensive, but worth it. She told me that my child was fine, and comforted me when I didn't believe her. I am sad that I was initally grateful for the gift of my second child, but it was a struggle. But she found us.
Susan,
Your visit with this little guy sounds just like our visits with our sweet Lexi. She was ten months old and so terribly serious that it really scared me. We had 2 visits a day for 3 days. She never once smiled or laughed no matter what we tried. She simply wanted to be held in our laps. She would look us in the eyes and pass a stacking cup from hand to hand, but she had no idea what to do with a toy and no interest in bubbles, tickles, balls or anything. When she bumped her head (hard) she did not cry and barely made a sad face. She could sit up, but she had rickets, very little muscle tone, and an oddly shaped head from laying in the crib too long.
It was a terrifying experience. I just about had a nervous breakdown while in Russia because I felt so guilty for not falling in love with her at first sight. I felt protective of her, and wanted so badly to love her, but I was afraid that she would need life long care that we were not prepared to handle. Thankfully, my husband never had a doubt, Our IA doctor thought she would be fine too.
I prayed for God to open my heart so I could love her the way she deserved to be loved. Slowly, but surely, over the next four months while we waited for a court date, she stole my heart from 1/2 way across the world. The very day we left the baby home with her she started to smile, then giggle, and then give us hugs and kisses. She has never looked back and is the most beautiful and amazing little girl I've ever known.
I know how hard this is and I'll be praying for you.
Friends of ours adopted a little boy from Russia at 7 months, and developmentally, he was probably around 6 weeks, very weak and withdrawn. But he flourished and is now a baseball loving 12 year old. Keep in mind, even with bio babies, it isn't always love at first sight. I hope you get the answers you need, and we'll be sending prayers of peace for whatever decision you make.
~Erica
Susan,
I haven't been religiously following your blog like I did with Artem...but I wanted to quote your earlier words, "We are taking it one step at a time and keeping our mind and heart open for what God is doing with our family at this time. " No child is a guarantee. Open your heart to what God wants for your family and for this child.
God bless,
Debra
My heart is hurting for you and Randy...I've been where you are and it's a very, very hard place to be!!
I just sent you a lengthy email. If you don't get it, let me know! I'm praying for you guys!
Hey Guys, Sally here, following your every step! I think you may be where we were in first meeting our child no.4...after already having a child at home, sometimes you're a little more analytical at that first meeting of your "new" baby, putting your emotions aside as your brain wraps itself around thoughts like: okay, hi little guy, what are we dealing with here, etc., etc. Are you meeting w/ Dr. M? Best to you--send me a line at my email if we can do anything from this end, and prayers, hugs, and hey to Randy. Sally & C.
Our prayers are with you.....listen to the doctor but also listen to your hearts. God will surely speak to you and lead you where you are to go!
Susan, I wish I had words of wisdom for you. I think you have received some good advice from other readers. I will say that Sam's adoption was so much different from Sophie's. Sophie cried everytime we entered the room but she never cried when she fell. I was worried. She is fine and still tough but sensitive. Sam was very friendly but we had other concerns about him. It also took me a lot longer to bond with him. I think it is just harder with some kids. Deep down I knew he was my baby even through the worries and paperwork delays. He is now a very smart happy active little boy. I pray for God's guidance and peace as you and Randy meet with this little guy again and with the doctor. Good luck!!!!
Susan - I tried to post a comment when your post first appeared but Blogger lost it and now I don't remember what I wrote.
There were days & times when we were visiting Ilya that it seemed as if he had no idea we were in the room with him. Poor boy was wrapped in so many layers and obviously very hot, and just looked miserable. We slowly peeled away some of his layers and as we did, layers of his personality also peeled away. You mentioned how the heat was effecting you, and this little guy was probably just as unhappy.
Once Ilya came home, t took MONTHS for him to cry if he got a little booboo or was scared. MONTHS! I was desperate for him to let me comfort him, for him to show some sign of needing me in that way. You recently met him and have seen how healthy, engaging, loving, smart, funny and entertaining he is. Yes he's itty bitty (in my opinion) but he's healthy and happy and I never would have predicted how far he has come despite his past.
Only God knows the plans He has for you, your family and this little boy. Listen to your heart and ask God for peace in your decision. And remember, if He leads you to it He'll see you through it. Always.
Many, many hugs to you & Randy. Drop me a line if you'd like to chat, and know that Norm, Cubby & I as well as everyone who commented above, are sending up some serious prayers for you!
Hugs,
Karyn, Norm & Ilya
My heart goes out to you guys as you make this decision. Wish I had some words of wisdom to share, but since I have not walked in your shoes I am just sending you lots of prayers and warm thoughts. I do believe that the decison you and Randy make will be the right one.
Lots of prayers from Alabama!
My girls usually don't cry when they fall unless they are SERIOUSLY hurt, or very very tired. Their pain tolerance is very high. It could be that his cries weren't listened to, or that he just wasn't that upset by it because he didn't think it was that bad.
Praying for wisdom and guidance for you. I have no idea what you should do.
Susan and Randy -
I know this is so, so difficult. I think it sounds VERY good that even in one days time, after the conditions he was in, you were able to get some kind of reaction out of him. Just a few hours of stimulation from you both and he started to come out of his shell. We'll be thinking of you both and hope the visit with the doctor goes well!
Hugs!
Becky (and Keith too!)
I adopted my daughter when she was a little older than the boy you met. According to her medical records, she could roll over from stomach to back at 7 mo, crawl at 9 mo., and sit at 11 mo. She couldn't walk unsupported until several more months after that. The IA docs (one stateside, one in Russia) told me that development rate was typical for an institutionalized child, and it did not raise any alarms to either of them.
They were right. Within a year of being home, she caught up developmentally with other kids her age. She usually doesn't cry over little bumps and bruises, but does cry if she is really hurt.
Aidan interacted with us really well on our first trip but became, what I term, depressed and nearly catatonic on our second. I was worried about all kinds of possible issues. Aidan changed immediately the minute he was handed over to us and taken to our hotel. I think these kids are so depressed that they are not interacted with and left to themselves so much! No one can make you make the decision, but my input would be to give the boy a chance. He'll probably begin to change the minute he is out of the orphanage. And don't worry about not loving him immediately. . .that's the attachment process! : ) God bless you as you decide and know you are not judged either way.
I miss you and I support your decision. <3 Stephanie and fam
Hi,
I think that it's just because he doesn't have enough one on one. In a loving home he will grow. Just pray about it and God will answer.
Good luck and God Bless
Hello
I'm an adoptive mommy too. I just read through all the comments and think you have been given some fabulous advice. I can so absolutely relate to every feeling you're feeling. We have adopted four daughters. When we arrived in China to adopt our Haven my first thought when I saw here was "Oh my word, she is brain damaged!!!" She was so ridiculously delayed. She was just a shell. We have recently adopted two daughters from the Ukraine and my five year old (who has Down syndrome) came home weighing only 16 pounds, barely able to sit up. She had spent five long years in the confines of a crib. Even with their Ds, both girls are BLOSSOMING at home. We don't even recognize the five year old--in just 8 weeks she is a new child.
I honestly think that this little boy is just showing signs of being institutionalized. It is awful!
I know it is a HARD decision to make--please know that my prayers are with you as you journey this crazy road called adoption. You are NOT alone.
Hugs
Adeye
www.nogreaterjoymom.com
I would bet he is so uncomfortable. Our son is 2 today, doing great and he did a lot of what you are mentioning on our 2nd trip. It was June in K-grad very hot and sticky. Irritable for us and we had on 1 layer of breathable clothing but he had on three or four layers. Plus the teething. We came home after court and I was so confused because he seemed so different from the 1st trip. On our 3rd pick-up trip he was really super sick with double ear infection, teething and a horrendous rash. We did not know this until we got to Moscow - knew something was off and he had a cold & 1st signs of rash etc. Poor guy had a hell of a time on the flight home. Got him cleared up with our Dr. and he is doing so well. Thinking about you all. So hard to decipher all the signs. Please do not feel quilty
Susan, I have been thinking about you and Randy a lot!! I pray you find the answers you need, you guys have such beautiful hearts and I know you will find your perfect child. I hope yesterday was better for you all.
Praying and thinking of you!
Colleen (SN; Tmansmommy)
I love Jill's comments on the sit/crawl order - there really isn't one so don't worry about that. I think that baby is/was in survival mode with that heat, being in the hospital is horrific and he went to hybernation mode. I feel good about what you are saying, Cade didn't cry for about 5-6 weeks when he would get hurt, he didn't make much babbling noises at all if any in the baby home. We are thinking of you.
Hugs,
dana
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