Thoughts on Attachment

Attachment is one of the biggest issues adoptive parents face when bringing a child into their lives. It's an ongoing issue that doesn't magically go away after the first PPR (post placement report) has been submitted. Sometimes there is a defining moment when an adoptive parent knows it has clicked with their child and the attachment process has really sunk in and in other cases, like our case, it seems to be a continual process that gets a little better as each week passes.

There is a big difference between a child that is happy to be in the arms of two loving people after a few weeks out of the orphanage and a child that knows when he or she goes to bed tonight, they will be in the same loving arms tomorrow and the next day and the next day and that their needs will be met. Good eye contact, distress when a parent leaves the room, offering their food to a parent are all positive signs ALONG the road to attachment, but they are not the final blocks to be checked off "proving" that attachment has occurred.

A lot of times friends and family members may think that adoptive parents use the "attachment excuse" to get all the time with their child, that they waited so long to have a child that they don't want to share their child's time and affection. I can say in our case, that is simply not true. Trust me when I say there are many times that I would love for someone else to play the "pick me up" game that Artem seems to be so fond of these days. From the first week that we have been home with Artem we have heard from people that "he has just slid right into our family like he's been here forever" or "he definitely knows who his mom and dad are." And while these sentiments are said with nothing but sincerity and happiness for us, Artem has not been with us forever and while he calls me "mama" and Randy "dada", I'm still not 100% certain that he understands that we as his mother and father, will provide for him day in and day out.

Artem has seen a lot of "mommies" during his time in the baby hospital and orphanage. Every time there was a shift change, it brought two new "mommies" into his day and this doesn't even account for any turnover in staff that may have been in the hospital and orphanage. In the past few weeks Artem has started to pat me on the chest and say, "mama" and while I am thrilled to no end that he is starting to recognize me as his mama, I'm given a huge reality check when I see him walk up to another person, be it a stranger or one of our friends, and put his arms up in the air to be picked up by them.

This weekend I had some girlfriends visit and I prepped them ahead of time that Artem has been holding his arms out for people to pick him up and I asked them to help us with this issue and redirect him to me if he should do that to them. It's not easy to ask friends not to hold your child. I felt bad because I know these ladies were looking forward to seeing Artem and getting some snuggle time in with him but fortunately they understand the attachment process we are working through and respected our wishes. Artem did try to extend his arms a few times but each time I went to him and picked him up and eventually he stopped doing it. I want our friends and family to love on Artem and be able to pick him up and play with him but right now it's just not possible. I wish I could give everyone a date, the official day they can pick Artem up when he throws his little pudgy hands into the air towards them, but I can't do that. Right now I can only ask our friends and family to continue to have patience and understanding as we continue to travel along the road of attachment and perhaps I can take pride in the fact that I just might have the best biceps on the block right now from all this heavy lifting.